you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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