I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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