I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
