I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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