This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There was a lot of him and a little penis
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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