I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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