I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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