My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
