Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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