I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
