This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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