If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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