Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
