Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
