I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
