we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
