Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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