I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
