It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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