What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Nicole vs. Life
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
