So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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