Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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