sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
