So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
