the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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