the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
