shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
