hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
