So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
