I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
