You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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