Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
