WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
