My nipple is on Facebook.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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