From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
