How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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