I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
