Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
