fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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