Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
