During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
