If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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