Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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