so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
