eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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