I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
