Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
