and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
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