I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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