I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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