My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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